


How Do I Live?

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-05
Updated: 2003-04-05
Packaged: 2019-05-30 17:31:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15101597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Sequel to "Best I Ever Had".  Picks up 4 months later





	1. How Do I Live?

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

 

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

This story is the sequel to "Best I Ever Had". It is set four months later

How do I live?

By Mer

Part 1

(Josh's office)

"Josh, I really need to talk to you." Donna said as she came into my office.

"Sweetheart, I know I'm late and I'm on my way out the door. I surprised Toby hasn't sent out a search party for me." I joked as I grabbed my bag.

"It's not that." Donna protested.

"Donna, I'd love to talk now but you know I have to go to Buffalo with Sam and Toby. I'll be back in a couple of days. Can it wait?" I asked.

"Well..." Donna began.

"Oh god nothing's wrong with the twins right? You're feeling okay aren't you? Because if something's wrong I'm sure Leo will let me stay behind." I asked as I placed my hand on her stomach.

"No, no the twins are fine." Donna protested.

"That's good. I love you. I swear we will talk when I come back." I said as I gave her a kiss.

"I love you too, but..." Donna protested some more.

"Look if it's about the names..." I began.

"No, just go, I'll tell you when you get home." Donna sighed.

"I'll call you as soon as our plane lands tonight." I assured her.

"Okay." Donna replied.

"I love you, sweetheart. I'll see you in a couple of days." I said.

"I love you too." Donna said as I limped out the door.

  __

How do I get through one night without you

If I had to live without you

I looked at a clock I passed and realized that we all were supposed to leave ten minutes ago. Toby was definitely going to be upset. I limped down the hallway and actually wished for my wheelchair. Yeah I got to shed that a few weeks ago. I still had to use a crutch, but at least I could walk. The therapist said that it might take a while for the limp to totally disappear or it might never. I didn't really care either way but now it was making me even later.

"Glad Gimpy could finally join us." Toby said as I got into the limo.

"Hey my watch sucks." I protested, ignoring the Gimpy remark.

"I bet you were out playing kissy face with Donna." Toby scowled.

"Now, Toby didn't you give C.J. a long good-bye kiss?" Sam jumped in.

Toby's cheeks reddened. I had to laugh. It was hard to believe that I had been married for seven months and Toby had been dating C.J. for almost six.

"At least we have people to kiss." Toby countered.

Ahhh, man that was a low blow to Sam's ego. He hadn't really been seeing anybody since Mallory had started dating that hockey player. Sam had just been trying to help and now his feelings were hurt because of it. I wasn't about to let my best friend go down in flames.

"At least..." I began but was cut off.

"Joshua, don't even say it. Let's drop the whole thing." Toby warned, and then his phone rang so he ignored us.

"Fine." I muttered.

"So have you guys started thinking up names yet?" Sam asked.

"Donna really likes the name Simon, but trust me it doesn't go with my last name." I joked.

"No Simon Lyman definitely doesn't go. But I'm honored that you have decided to name your kids after me." Sam said.

"Excuse me?" I asked.

"You know you promised to name them Samuel and Norman." Sam replied.

"One Samuel Norman is enough thank you." I joked.

"No not Samuel Norman, one is going to be named Sam and the other will be named Norm." Sam replied slowly.

"Have you been watching Cheers reruns again?" I asked.

"No. Hey I got a better idea why not name one Samuel Josiah and another one Leo Toby." Sam joked.

"Actually, I think it would work better as Samuel Toby and Leo Josiah." I replied with a smile.

"Yeah that does sound better. Okay what about girl's names? Cathy Ginger and Margaret...what's Mrs. Landingham's first name?" Sam asked.

"I don't know, Nancy maybe? Hey C.J.'s going to get mad if we don't throw her name in there too. How about Margaret Claudia and Cathy Jean?" I asked.

"That would work. Though you would have a little C.J. of your own." Sam joked.

"What are you two doing?" Toby asked once he hung up the phone.

"Naming Josh's twins. The boys are going to be Samuel Josiah and Leo Toby, the girls are going to be Margaret Claudia and Cathy Jean." Sam said proudly.

"I swear that if Donna agrees with those names I will promise to diaper them for a month." Toby said.

"You don't like them?" I asked innocently.

"Well, the boys names aren't so bad..." Toby replied slowly.

"See even Toby thinks we should name one of your kids after him." Sam stated proudly.

"I think it would be even better if you didn't name one after Sam." Toby joked.

"Now, now, I think I have figured out the perfect names for your kids. At least when you have some, Toby." I threatened.

"I didn't even know that Toby was capable of reproducing." Sam teased.

"Well, at least when I have kids they will be my kids to raise." Toby snapped.

"Excuse me?" I asked in shocked voice.

"When I have kids..." Toby repeated until Sam cut him off.

"So you're saying that Josh can't be a father to the twins?" Sam asked.

"I'm saying that Josh shouldn't want to be a father to the twins." Toby replied.

We pulled up at the airport just then. I was still in shock. I couldn't believe what Toby was saying. I jumped up out of the car and so did Sam. He put his arm on my shoulder to hold me back.

"Why shouldn't I want to be a father to the twins?" I asked.

"Because Josh if you'll happily raise these kids then Donna can have an affair knowing that you'll raise those kids too." Toby explained.

"So your saying that by marrying the woman I love and loving the babies that she carries inside of her like my own that she won't think twice about having an affair?" I asked as my voice rose up a notch with each word.

"She used you Josh. The minute you were hurt she ignored you until you were okay enough to get her back." Toby replied.

"Oh yeah and this is coming from the same man who told me that I should go after the woman I loved, and not to let her slip away?" I practically yelled.

"That's before I knew they weren't your twins." Toby replied.

"I..." I started to yell but Sam pushed me away.

"Board the plane, I'll finish this." Sam ordered as he practically shoved me up the stairs.

"Samuel, I really don't think this is any of your business." I heard Toby yell from my spot behind the plane door.

"Oh yeah so you think that Josh can't raise Donna kids as his own huh? Josh loves her, Toby. He was devastated when she was too guilty to visit him. You said it yourself that he was falling apart when you saw him that day in his office. How the hell can you even say that about him?" Sam yelled.

"He doesn't even know what he is setting himself up for." Toby stated slowly.

"What is your problem with it anyway? Josh and Donna have an arrangement why is it any of your business?" Sam asked.

"Because I know what it's like to have someone cheat on them." Toby replied.

"Donna is not going to cheat on Josh." Sam stated.

"Well, just see about that." Toby muttered.

"And just what the hell do you mean by that?" I said as I came back down the steps.

"Josh" Sam said as he tried to grab my arm.

"Answer the question, Toby." I said as I threw my arm up to shake Sam off.

"Josh" Sam tried again because he knew what was about to happen.

"She's playing you like a violin." Toby smirked.

"How dare you even call yourself my friend." I exploded.

What happened next, I'm not even sure of. All I know is that somehow my legs gave out from under me just as I was about to slug Toby. I fell to the ground hard and Toby fell on top of me. Sam wasn't sure if he should laugh or if he should let us beat the hell out of each other since we were already on the ground.

"Josh, I'm sorry." Toby apologized though he was still on top of me.

"Get the hell off of me." I replied angrily.

"Josh" He said as he tried to help me up.

"I can do it myself." I said as I pushed him away.

I got up and I ignored the guilty look that he had on his face. My leg really hurt and I knew that I had jammed my knee down really hard. I gingerly went up the steps and boarded the plane. Toby and Sam followed closely behind me. Toby tried to talk to me again, but I refused to listen to him so he just sat down in another part of the plane.

"Toby's just jealous." Sam said as he sat down beside me.

"What?" I asked in an annoyed voice. "If that was jealousy, I hate to see what spiteful is."

"C.J.'s not pregnant." Sam said slowly.

"And your point would be?" I snapped.

"My point would be that she thought she was and now Toby's mad because you get to be a father and he doesn't." Sam explained.

"So what did he mean about the whole cheating thing?" I asked.

"I don't know, he was just being Toby. He's having a crappy day and he thinks that everyone else should be having a crappy day too." Sam replied.

"I guess." I sighed.

"How's your leg?" Sam asked as he realized I was rubbing it.

"It's fine." I lied.

"At least you already had crutches along." Sam joked.

"Speaking of which, you are in head smacking range." I said as I pointed to the crutch.

"Nah, you would rather crack Toby's skull then mine." Sam replied.

"True." I answered. "Just keep him away from me for now."

"Okay." Sam said with a smile, as if he could envision what would happen if we didn't.

"You know Sam..." I began teasingly.

"I was just kidding, shish." Sam apologized.

"I know. But I should've gotten at least one slug in." I protested.

"Uh huh." Sam agreed.

  


	2. How Do I Live? 2

 

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

How do I live

By Mer

Part 2

I remained in Josh's office long after he left. I was sitting at his desk and kind of staring off into space. I smiled as I picked up a picture of me and Josh that was on the desk. I noticed that the frame was chipped a bit, and I remembered that Josh said he had accidentally broken the glass. I had often wondered if it was really an accident or if he had done it in a fit of rage. But I never pressed the issue because believed me I deserved it.

I guess I am still in awe that Josh was willing to take me back. He had welcomed me back with open arms even after I was so cruel to him. I had abandoned him when he needed me the most, and yet he refused to let me go. And he refused to let me apologize to him because he said he knew I didn't mean it. He was really the sweetest guy.

I began to roll around absently in his chair. I thought about what I had wanted to talk to him about earlier. Even though I had my suspicions I had found out yesterday that I was only six months pregnant, instead of seven like we had originally thought. Six months meant that Josh was definitely the father. I cared about Robbie and all but I was absolutely thrilled that they were Josh's and not his.

I also found another shocker out, I wasn't having twins after all. When the doctor told me I got all sad, and she just laughed. She said I didn't lose a child I had actually gained one. Yup, that's right, I was going to be the mother of triplets. Oh boy wouldn't Josh go nuts when he found those things out.

The only bad part about telling him was admitting that I had seen my doctor without him present. He had begged to be included in every visit. And he had since we got back together. But I went alone this time to make sure that they were his babies. A part of me just had to know if there was even the slightest chance.

When I asked the doctor she said that I was barely six months. I told her that I though I was seven and she said that sometimes pregnancy is mimicked before it actually happens because that's what the mind wants. I guess I could understand that logic, but I didn't think I really wanted to have Robbie's baby. Oh well, whatever it was I'm kind of glad it happened because it led Josh to express how he felt about me. And I couldn't imagine what would've happened if I hadn't told him I was pregnant.

I mean I know that he didn't marry me just because I was pregnant, but I think that the pregnancy gave him an excuse to tell me that he loved me. I know we might not have gotten married so soon, but I wouldn't trade my impromptu Hawaiian marriage for anything.

What kind of world would that be

"Donna?" C.J. asked as she came into Josh's office.

"Yes." I said startled.

"I didn't mean to scare you. I just thought that you might have gone home or something." C.J. said.

"Oh, I was just taking a break and I got lost in thought." I admitted.

"I understand." C.J. nodded.

"It's my first time away from him in four months." I admitted.

  __

Oh and I

I need you in my arms

Need you to hold me

"Yeah I understand. It's my first time away from Toby in six." C.J. stated.

"I went to the doctor yesterday." We both said at the same time.

"You first." I said once we realized what the other had said.

"I'm not pregnant." C.J. sighed.

"I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted to be." I comforted.

"It's okay. I was afraid of how Toby would react at first, but I guess I'm okay with it. I think he wants to try harder." C.J. smiled.

"Good luck." I laughed.

"Thanks. So what is your news?" C.J. asked.

"They are definitely Josh's." I smiled proudly.

"That's wonderful. Damn, Toby's gonna be really jealous now. Josh fathered twins the first time he tried." C.J. remarked.

"Actually..." I stuttered.

"Actually what?" C.J. asked as her eyes widened in surprise.

"I'm having triplets." I said as I watched her jaw drop.

"Oh my goodness. Triplets huh? What did Josh have to say about it?" She asked once she recovered a little.

"He left before I could tell him this morning." I said sheepishly.

"Donna why did you wait until this morning?" She asked.

"I guess I was trying to absorb it all in." I replied.

"Damn, Toby's gonna be pissed." C.J. remarked.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Ever since you became Josh's assistant again, he's been acting a little funny towards you. I mean you had to have noticed it. Well, we talked about it last night and he was worried that you wouldn't be faithful to Josh..." She began before I cut her off.

"What?" I asked.

"He was just worried that you would cheat because you knew that Josh would raise the child as his own no matter what. But I think the real reason he was upset was that Josh was going to sort of be a father before he was. But now Josh is actually going to be the father, and of triplets no less." C.J. stated.

"What do you mean that Josh was going to sort of be the father? He was the father, I mean is the father. Biology isn't everything." I defended.

"Calm down I know. Toby has just been a little warped lately. I think he's just insanely jealous, because he figured he'd have kids by now." C.J. replied soothingly.

"Toby wouldn't address these concerns with Josh would he?" I asked in a horrified voice.

"He might, but I highly doubt he's that tactless." C.J. defended.

"Because Josh has been very protective about the twins...well triplets ever since we got back together. I think a part of him still believes me when I told him he couldn't love another man's child as his own." I moaned.

"Don't worry what can happen? Sam's there to referee any fights." C.J. stated but then laughed at the mental picture.

"By the way how come you didn't go to Buffalo with them?" I asked with a raised eye brow.

"I made fun of Notre Dame again." C.J. said as she looked at the ground.

"C.J." I said in a mock-disapproving tone.

"How was I supposed to know that the president overheard the conversation Josh and I were having?" C.J. moaned.

"What did you say?" I asked with a smile.

"I said that I could kick the mascot's ass." C.J. recalled.

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"We were talking about wimpy mascots and that was the first one that came to my mind." C.J explained.

"And what did Josh say?" I asked.

"I believe his exact words were yes sir she did just insult Notre Dame again." C.J. laughed.

"So he took your trip away?" I asked.

"Yeah because he knew how Toby and I had planned to spend our evenings." C.J. smiled.

"That's horrible. Ow." I said as I clutched my stomach.

"Donna are you okay?" C.J. asked in a concerned voice.

"Yeah they are all kicking pretty hard today." I replied.

"You sure?" She asked, not sure if I was telling the truth.

"Positive." I assured her.

"Okay, just checking. You'll let me know if anything changes right?" C.J. asked.

"You're as bad as Josh." I muttered.

"What?" C.J. asked.

"He doesn't have to use his wheelchair anymore but he threatened to make me use it, so I would stay off my feet and make it easier on myself." I said as I rolled my eyes.

"Maybe that's a good idea." C.J. said.

"I'm not an invalid, I don't need a wheelchair." I shouted but then I realized the insensitivity of my words. "Not that I minded when Josh needed to use it..."

"I knew what you meant. Josh would kill me if anything happened to you while he was gone. I think in his own little demented way he's glad I had to stay behind." C.J. replied.

"Have you ever thought that the conversation was provoked?" I asked realizing that Josh couldn't get out of going but wanted someone to look after me.

"Now that you mention it...Donna, remind me to hurt him when he comes back okay?" C.J. exclaimed.

"No problem." I smiled.

C.J. left a few minutes later and I remembered how she had changed her sentence at the last minute. No one ever talked about killing or wishing someone dead anymore. I mean I know that's probably a good thing, but I think everyone was choosing their words more carefully after what I had said to Josh. I hadn't meant to have started a trend. Josh was my whole world now, and I had about killed myself with guilt.

You're my world

My heart, my soul

I looked at my watch and I realized that Josh's plane was probably about to land. I had been sitting in his office for a really long time. I got up to go back to my desk, when I suddenly felt a little lightheaded. I also remembered that my doctor had mentioned something about me having a slight temperature yesterday. She said it was nothing to worry about.

As the room began to spin around I wondered if maybe something was wrong. I grabbed the end of Josh's desk to steady myself. I took a couple of deep breaths in order to regain my composure. When I regained it, I figured I should probably lie down on Josh's couch for awhile.

I slowly walked over to the couch. As I was sitting down the room began to spin faster. I tried to call out for help, but I didn't know if any words were actually coming out of my mouth. I felt myself slump the rest of the way on the couch. Something was definitely wrong. My whole body ached and the pain was beginning to become intense.

****

A weakened voice saying C.J.'s name was the last thing anyone heard before Donna blacked out


	3. How Do I Live? 3

 

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

How do I live

By Mer

Part 3

It had been about an hour since the fight with Toby but I was still mad. Sam could see that and he had tried to steer my mind away from it. But I was still fuming mad. Sam said that he was jealous that I was going to be a father before he was. Was that really my fault? Toby had been married once before, he could've had kids then.

"Josh, you earth to Josh." Sam said as he snapped his fingers in front of my face.

"What?" I asked.

"You don't need to snap at me." Sam replied as I rolled my eyes.

"I'm sorry Sam. What do you want?" I asked in a softer tone.

"Why do you think that people thought the moon was made of green cheese?" Sam asked in a serious tone.

"What?" I asked, as I couldn't help but laugh.

"Ha, ha, I got you to laugh." Sam taunted.

"Okay so maybe I shouldn't stay mad." I sighed.

"Oh I wasn't saying that, I was just getting sick of your menacing look. It does not become you my friend." Sam teased.

"I'm so very sorry, Mr. Expression policeman." I mocked.

"You were starting to remind me of someone." Sam quirked.

"You know, my crutches are still in..." I threatened.

"Yeah I know." Sam replied sheepishly.

"I just thought that maybe you needed a reminder." I replied with a smile.

"So have you guys finished furnishing the house?" Sam asked.

"Yeah the nursery looks like we are having Septuplets or something." I replied as I pictured the pile of toys.

"I think you are supposed to spoil the first born. And in your case you guys are having twins, so it's only natural to go overboard." Sam smiled.

"I hope so. I'm so excited Sam." I admitted.

"I know you are." Sam replied with a smile.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked.

"How many other people set up a playpen in their office before their child is actually born?" Sam asked.

"You have a good point there." I replied.

Yes, we did put a playpen in my office. I know it might sound a little bit corny, but Donna really liked the idea. It helped us both visualize what life with a baby would be like. But we weren't just having one baby we were having twins. I told Donna that I would be happy if she were having triplets but she kind of gave me this evil look, like I had better not be.

"Josh were you ever afraid that she was actually going to go through with the divorce?" Sam asked.

"Yes." I replied softly.

The day that I received the divorce papers was one of the worst days of my life. I thought that the woman I loved was just going to walk right out of my life. I had been scared out of my mind. I couldn't imagine my life without her.

If you ever leave

Baby you would take away

Everything good in my life 

"So did you guys ever watch that video we made for you?" Sam asked.

"Yeah we did." I smiled.

The video of them helping to fix up the house was hilarious. They had had paint fights, painting contests, food fights, and a lot of inspirational messages to us. It was really very funny. They also showed us how much they cared.

"I know that we had fun making it. I bet you never thought we would finish it so quickly." Sam stated.

"No, I didn't especially since one of you was always visiting me each night." I replied, referring to the time I sent in the hospital after my accident.

"We couldn't let you suspect anything." Sam smiled.

"Trust me I was plenty surprised. I was even more surprised about that make-shift dinner party you held." I replied.

"Yeah that was fun. I can't believe you busted me." Sam pouted.

"Sam, you tried to take credit for a meal that all you had to do was throw in the oven." I replied.

"Well, you still didn't have to bust me." Sam protested.

"I'm sorry man. But I gave you the chance to tell the truth." I replied.

"Yeah. Can you believe that Charlie proposed to Zoey?" Sam asked.

"No, but I'm sure they are going to be very happy. Did you hear they are getting married in the Rose Garden?" I asked.

"Yeah, that'll be cool." Sam smiled.

The plane landed a few minutes later and we all got into the awaiting car. I refused to even look at Toby. I knew that Sam wasn't very happy with my attitude but I didn't care. Toby deserved the silent treatment for a while. I remembered my promise to Donna so I pulled out my phone and dialed my office number.

I expected to hear Donna's cheery voice but instead all I got was my answering machine. I looked down at my watch which I had forgotten didn't work. Sam noticed this and he showed me his. It was lunchtime, so Donna had probably gone to lunch.

"Something wrong?" Sam asked.

"I just promised Donna that I would call her when he landed." I replied.

"C.J. probably took her to lunch. I think they were going to do some more baby shopping while we were gone." Toby offered, and I glared over at him.

"He's right, she's probably just out to lunch with C.J." Sam soothed.

We pulled up at our conference just then. I was happy because I was going to split off from Toby. Sam had just shaken his head, because he knew what I was thinking.

"Meet ya later?" Sam asked.

"Yeah." I replied.

The conference that we were going to had a couple of different sections, which was why we had to split up. I was going to learn about the importance of preserving our national park program. I know it sounded terribly exciting, but it was part of the job.

My part of the conference started out with a slide show. I had to laugh when I was shown a slide of Big Sky National Park. It was the park that Donna had helped me create. Though, she did like to take all of the credit for it.

I couldn't help but get this sinking feeling that something was wrong. I mean she could've been at lunch but I knew she should be back by now. So I snuck out of the room and I hit redial. Again, I got the machine. This time I decided to leave a message and I told her that I loved her and I'd try back later.

Dejectedly, I snuck back into the slide show. I really didn't not want to be watching it. It was kind of boring really. Before I knew it was I fighting to stay awake.

"Josh!" Toby yelled from the doorway.

What the hell did he want? Couldn't he see that I was in the middle of a really exciting slide show? Everyone kind of stared at me as I went to the door.

"What do you want?" I asked as I came out and shut the door.

"There was a message waiting for you at the hotel." Toby began.

"Toby, I'm in no mood for you to be so elusive." I snapped.

"Donna was rushed to the hospital." Toby replied.

I felt my face drain of all color. It was a good thing that I had crutches otherwise I probably would've fallen over. This did not go unnoticed by Toby.

"Why don't you sit down a moment?" Toby asked.

"I don't need to sit down." I protested.

"Okay." Toby replied.

"What happened?" I asked in a shaky voice.

"I don't know. C.J. found her passed out in your office, kind of on your couch." Toby stated gently.

"I have to go back." I stated urgently.

"I know. There is a taxi waiting to take you back to the airport. Do you want me to go with you?" Toby asked.

"I don't want to be anywhere near you, especially right now." I replied angrily.

"Josh" Toby began.

"I don't want to hear it Toby." I snapped.

"Okay." He said dejectedly.

I knew that I shouldn't have been quite so harsh on him, but I didn't care. My mind was focused on my wife. I prayed that she was all right. I prayed that the twins were okay too. They all had to be okay.

Without you there would be no sun in my sky

There'd be no love in my life

There'd be no world left for me


	4. How Do I Live? 4

 

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

How do I live

By Mer

Part 4

The plane ride back to D.C. had to have been the longest flight in my life. And trust me none of the overseas flights could even compare to it. No one could tell me any information, expect that I had to get to G.W. right away. I had some pretty bad memories of that place so I didn't really want to go there, but that's where Donna was so that's where I had to go.

I couldn't help but wonder if I should have noticed something was wrong this morning. We went to bed at a decent time last night, got up at the normal time today, had breakfast and went to work. Everything seemed to be pretty normal to me when I left a little after nine. Granted, I wasn't looking forward to leaving, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

  __

And I

Baby I don't know what I would do

I'd be lost if I lost you

My mind began to fill with terrible thoughts. What if something happened to Donna? What if she were slowing dying? What if she lost the babies? What if I had to choose between her life or the babies life?

That was actually a pretty tough question because she had already gotten angry about it once. Okay, I know that she didn't mean what she said that day, but a part of me can't forget it. I love the twins growing inside of her as if they were my own. I don't see why people have made a big issue about it. Hell, when the press found out about it, it didn't even get a notable mention in the paper next day. They didn't care if I was going to raise another man's child.

But on the other hand what if I were faced with that dilemma? I doubt that Donna would forgive me for sacrificing the babies' lives; unless she could be assured that I made sure there was no other way. I couldn't live without Donna. She made sense of my life and I doubt that I would hesitate before choosing her under normal circumstances. But these weren't normal circumstances, and I prayed it wasn't my decision to make.

After an eternity it seemed I arrived at the hospital. I limped over to where C.J. was in a waiting room. She had an extremely worried expression on her face. She jumped up in anticipation when she heard the door open. But her shoulders sagged for a moment when she realized it was only me. The moment passed and she came and gave me a hug.

"What happened?" I asked as she began to let go of me.

"Donna collapsed in your office. I think she was trying to sit down on your couch or something. I heard a muffled cry and then I found her unconscious." C.J. said softly.

"What did the doctors say?" I asked, noticing that she was staring at me funny.

"Joshua, sit down right now? What happened to your leg?" C.J. asked as she realized I was favoring one over the other.

"Don't worry about me, tell me about Donna." I protested.

"Is that a tear in your pant leg?" C.J. asked ignoring me.

"I fell okay." I finally muttered not wanting to get into it.

"You fell? Josh are you sure that you are okay?" C.J. asked as she inspected me leg closer.

"Claudia..." I warned.

"Okay. They have been running a bunch of tests on her. Right now they think she might have an infection or something." C.J. said softly.

"Is she going to be okay? Are the twins okay?" I asked and then she got an odd look on her face. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Josh did you know that Donna wanted to talk to you this morning?" C.J. asked.

"Yeah but then I realized I was late and Toby...never mind about that. But yes I knew that she wanted to talk to me. She told me it could wait until I got back. Why what's wrong?" I asked with a horrified look on my face.

"It's nothing that horrible. Donna is going to get mad at me for telling you this..." C.J. stuttered.

"Claudia Jean." I warned.

"There's actually two pieces of news. The first one is that she isn't having twins." C.J. began.

"I thought you said the news wasn't horrible." I protested.

"Let me finish, okay? She's having triplets." C.J. admitted.

I let those words register for a minute. One baby I could handle, and two was a stretch but do-able. Three man that was like a nightmare. Don't get me wrong a good nightmare, but still a nightmare.

"What's the second piece of news?" I finally asked.

"They're yours." C.J. said just as a doctor walked in.

"Ms. Cregg, I have some information on your friend Donna." Dr. Carmine said.

"This is Donna's husband Josh." C.J. said as she pointed to me.

"Aaron Carmine. I am your wife's doctor." Dr. Carmine said as he extended his hand.

"Josh Lyman." I replied.

"Donna has an acute infection. While that isn't very uncommon it is very uncommon to find in pregnant women. At least as a severe an infection as Donna's is. Right now she is in a coma and we are unsure how long she will remain that way. Her vitals are strong for the most part..." Dr. Carmine stated gently.

"What about the triplets?" I asked slowly.

"We have been monitoring them and right now they appear to be holding their own. But we can't be sure that they will remain stable." Dr. Carmine said gently.

"What does that mean?" C.J. asked softly.

"We may have to deliver them prematurely." He said slowly.

"Babies born two months premature are okay right?" I asked and C.J. nudged me in the shoulder with her elbow.

I looked at her with a surprised look. She held her finger two her lips, but I knew that there was something she hadn't explained to me yet. I nodded and we both turned back our attention to the doctor.

"Their are always the possibility of health problems when babies are born prematurely. We like to try and keep them in the womb for as long as possible. But Mr. Lyman, I have to ask you this question..." Dr. Carmine began.

Damn, the question that I absolutely didn't want to answer was about to be asked. I knew it by the way that Dr. Carmine was fiddling with his tie. He probably didn't want to ask it either. I guess I could feel a little comforted by that thought.

"If Donna's life were in danger would you authorize the birth of the triplets?" Dr. Carmine asked.

"As long..." I began but I couldn't finish.

"I assure you we would only do it as a last resort, after we have tried everything else in our power." Dr. Carmine assured me.

"Then yes." I replied slowly.

"And if the babies lives were in danger you would authorize removing them from the womb right?" He asked to my nod.

"Is she going to die?" I asked quietly.

"We are doing everything we can to prevent that. But like I said her vitals are strong." Dr.

Carmine assured me.

"Can I see her?" I asked.

"Not yet. But once she is moved to another room I will have a nurse come and get you." He assured.

"Doctor is she going to be okay? " C.J. asked.

"Right now it is too soon to tell." He replied gently.

"And do you expect for the babies to be born early?" I asked.

"For my experience in these types of situations, yes. But I really don't like to deliver three-month premature babies if I can help it. But if you'll excuse me I have a couple of patients I need to attend too." He said as he left the room.

"What else didn't you tell me?" I asked as soon as he left.

"Donna's only six months pregnant." C.J. said hesitantly.

"But we've been married for seven months..." I protested.

"She isn't carrying Robbie's triplets. She's carrying yours." C.J. said.

I didn't know how to respond to that. I had so readily accepted that they weren't mine that it never even occurred to me that they could be mine. It didn't matter to me either way, but now the situation seemed even worse. It wasn't Robbie who had done this to her, now it was my fault.

"Josh the infection wasn't your fault." C.J. said as she sensed what I was thinking.

"But how could they be mine? She was sure that she was pregnant." I mumbled.

"Her doctor said that sometimes pregnancy is mimicked before a person actually is pregnant." She explained.

"C.J., I said the right things to the doctor right?" I asked.

"Yes." She assured me.

"Because if anything happens..." My voice broke and tears began to fall.

"It'll be all right." C.J. soothed.

"She can't die." I stated softly. "She just can't die."

  __

If you ever leave

Baby you would take away

Everything real in my life


	5. How Do I Live? 5

 

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

How do I live

By Mer

Part 5

A nurse came in and she said I could go see Donna now. C.J. promised to wait in the waiting room for me. I just nodded and I hobbled after the nurse. I was still really upset at myself for not being able to see the signs. I should've seen that something was wrong. How could I have been so stupid?

I reached Donna's room and I felt a lump rise up in my throat. I slowly made my way in to her room. She looked so pale lying there. Her blond her was kind of spread out on the pillow so it made her look like an angel.

  __

And tell me now

How do I live without you

How do I breathe without you

"Donna, sweetheart if you didn't really want me to go to Buffalo you could have just told me." I joked a little as I sat down in the chair beside her.

She was hooked up to machines and it scared me a little. But I knew that the machines were telling me that she was alive. And from my experience I even knew what the machines were for. I noticed one that was measuring the babies' heart rates. It seemed to be a little fast for me, but I wasn't an expert on those types of things.

"Donna, I'm here for you now. I want you to know that I need you. I need you to stay here with the triplets and me. Come on we haven't even named them yet." I said gently.

But there was no response. I hadn't really figured there would be. I took one of her hands. The skin felt so cold. I rubbed my hand over it to try and warm it up a little.

"C.J. talked to me today. Yea, I know you are going to get mad but I forced a confession out of her. She told me what you had wanted to say to me this morning. I hope you don't get too mad at me. Triplets, wow that's a wonderful thing. There's going to be three little versions of you around." I said with a smile.

Still I got no response. I wanted to just jump in the bed and hold her in my arms. But somehow I knew that I could get in a ton of trouble for that. So I just let things be.

"Donna, you have to promise not to leave me okay? Please I need you. I need you here with me. You know how much I need you." I said as tears began to fall down my cheeks.

  __

If you ever go

How do I ever

Ever survive

I sat with her for a while but then they came in and said that they needed to run some more tests on her. The nurse suggested that I go down get some coffee. She promised to send someone down if anything changed.

"Want to grab some crappy coffee?" I asked as I went back to the waiting room.

"I guess I'm up for it." C.J. smiled.

"So does everybody know?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah. If anything major happens we are supposed to call Toby and Sam back. Mrs. Bartlet is at a function, when she gets back I think she's going to come with the president." C.J. replied as we stepped into the elevator.

"What about the press?" I asked slowly, pressing the button for the cafeteria.

"Well, it's kind of hard not to miss an ambulance rushing away from The White House, but for right now we haven't told them anything yet. I was waiting until we heard some more news." C.J. replied.

"That's understandable." I replied slowly.

"Josh, Leo told me to tell you to stay here for as long as you need too. He's not going to pull you away unless he absolutely has too." C.J. assured.

"How nice of him." I commented dryly.

"Josh, you are the..." C.J. began as the doors slid open.

"Claudia Jean, I'm well aware of what my position in this administration is. And I know that I have been out twice this past year due to job related injuries." I said before she could finish.

"No one wants you to leave Donna's side unless..." C.J. said began and stopped herself.

C.J. stopped herself because she knew that she could go in one or two directions. One of the ways she could've gone was to say that I wouldn't leave Donna's side until she was better. But the other way was that wouldn't leave her side unless she was dead. And I'm pretty sure she was about to blurt out the second way.

"I get the point, C.J." I snapped as I grabbed a cup of coffee.

"Josh, don't get mad at me." C.J. pleaded, grabbing a cup herself.

"I'm not mad at you C.J. I'm just worried about Donna." I replied.

"I know you are, but she's going to be fine." C.J. said as we paid the cashier.

"I hope your right." I said as I sat down at a secluded table.

"So what really happened today?" C.J. asked changing the subject.

"What do you mean what really happened today?" I asked raising my eyebrows.

"With your knee." She said as she pointed to it.

Man, she will not let me live this down. If it had been Sam she would've just have thrown it up to him being a klutz and she would've let it drop. But no she had to ask me like I was fragile boy, and that every little scratch was going to kill me. I resented that.

"C.J. can we just drop the stupid knee thing?" I asked, knowing she wouldn't.

"Not until you tell me what happened. When I talked to Toby earlier..." She began but I cut her off.

"What did Toby say?" I asked icily.

"He said that you both got into an argument." C.J. said slowly.

"Damn right we got into an argument. I don't know what the hell his problem was, but he's lucky I fell." I snapped.

"So you two were fighting?" C.J. asked, her eyes opening wide.

"More like he was fighting and I was defending." I retorted angrily.

"And what was Sam doing?" C.J. asked trying to keep calm.

"At first he was trying to defend me, and then I think he was trying to break it up." I sighed.

"Were any punches thrown?" C.J. asked in her press secretary voice.

"None that made any contact." I snapped, wishing yet again my punch had been connected.

"Okay, sorry I asked. So have you and Donna thought up any names?" C.J. asked swiftly changing the subject.

"No, but Sam and I did." I smiled.

"Oh brother, what names did you come up with?" C.J. asked as she rolled her eyes.

"Samuel Toby and Leo Josiah for boys, this was before I knew there were three of them. And Margaret Claudia and Cathy Jean for girls." I replied.

"Oh man and the president let's Sam write speeches for him?" C.J. mocked.

"Okay do you have any better ideas?" I asked.

"Well, I found this on your desk. I think it was the names that Donna really liked." C.J. said as she fished out a piece of paper.

"Noah James, Nathaniel Jared, and Nicholas Jeremy for boys, Julia Nicole, Jessica Natalie, and Joanie..." I stopped as my voice caught on the last girl name.

"What's wrong?" C.J. asked.

"How did she know?" I asked quietly.

"How did she know what?" C.J. asked in a confused voice.

"That my sister's name was Joanie Nora Lyman?" I said slowly.

"The one who died when you were little?" C.J. asked.

"Uh huh." I replied as I continued to stare down at the name.

"Maybe she just asked Leo or something. Did you ever tell her that you had a sister who died?" C.J. asked.

"I might have mentioned it once or twice. But I didn't realize she remembered." I replied.

"So are you going to go with the names?" C.J. asked softly.

"If I need too. But I really want to talk to her about it first. I don't want to have to do this alone." I replied quietly.

"You won't have too. Donna's going to wake up before the babies' are born. But even if she doesn't you still have me and the rest of your co-workers." C.J. assured.

"I hope that you are right." I sighed.

Before she could open her mouth to reassure me a nurse came running over to us.

"Josh Lyman?" She asked in a hurried voice.

"Yes, I'm Josh." I replied quickly.

"Come with me please. The babies' heart rates have all fallen to a dangerously low rate. He thinks that they might need to be delivered." She said.

And for the second time that day I longed to have my wheelchair back. It really hurt to walk on my knee. C.J. noticed this and she found an abandoned wheelchair and shoved me in it.

"Ouch." I muttered as she began pushing the chair.

"You will get that looked at later." She muttered.

"Where did you learn how to drive?" I asked as C.J. nearly ran me into a huge plant.

"Shut up Gimpy." C.J. snapped.

So I shut up and we went back to the elevator. Once we got back up to Donna's floor we saw that she was being wheeled out. People were screaming out numbers to each other. Numbers that meant nothing to me, but I knew they were bad.

"Josh we have to deliver the triplets now or they'll die." Dr. Carmine said as he saw us.

"How's Donna?" I asked.

"She appears to be okay at the moment. It's the babies' that I'm worried about. I'm sorry." Dr. Carmine said as he ran after the gurney carrying my whole world.

  __

How do I

How do I

Oh how do I live

  


	6. How Do I Live? 6

 

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

How do I live

By Mer

Part 6

After what seemed like an eternity, but in actuality it was probably only twenty minutes a different doctor came in to the waiting room. He walked slowly over to me. I couldn't even look him in the eye. I didn't really want to know what he had to say. I mean I wanted to know but I was really scared. He sensed this and he tried to place a calming hand on my shoulder.

If you ever leave

Baby you would take away everything

Need you here with me

"Mr. Lyman, I presume?" He asked and as I nodded he continued. "My name is Dr. Schilling. You are the father of two boys and a girl."

"How are they?" C.J. asked for me because she could see I was too scared to open my mouth.

"They are all pretty small. Your first son is one pound six ounces, the second one is one pound five ounces, and your daughter is one pound two ounces." Dr. Schilling said.

"Are they supposed to be that small?" I murmured.

"They are premature and it is normal for them to be that tiny." Dr. Schilling replied softly.

"Are they okay?" I asked slowly.

"For the moment all three of them are holding their own." Dr. Schilling replied.

"What do you mean for the moment?" C.J. asked, taken back by his tone.

"The next few months will be a huge battle for them because their lungs and some of their other organs are underdeveloped." Dr. Schilling replied as gently as he could.

"How's Donna?" I asked quietly.

"She's doing well. She's still in a coma but she seems to have suffered no ill effects from the birth of her children." He replied softly.

"When can I see my children?" I asked slowly.

"A nurse will be by shortly to take you to them. I'm not going to lie they will be surrounded by tubes and machines. I know it may seem very overwhelming, but try to talk to them and comfort them." Dr. Schilling suggested.

"And when can we see Donna?" C.J. asked.

"You can see her as soon as you're finished in the nursery if you would like." Dr. Schilling replied before he left the room.

"Why do I get the feeling that he doesn't like us?" C.J. asked trying to lighten the somber mood.

"We work for the president." I replied with little emotion.

"Damn right you do." President Bartlet said as he entered the room with the first lady.

"Any news yet?" Abbey asked.

"They were born a few minutes ago, I have two sons and a daughter." I replied and I really tried to smile.

"Congratulations Josh!" President Bartlet said as he came and shook my hand.

I was speechless. I didn't know what to say to them. My children were born too early and even though Dr. Schilling didn't come out and say it directly, they could probably all die. They all weighed less than two pounds, which even I, knew couldn't be a good sign. The day they were supposed to be born was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, so why did I feel so sad?

"Josh, I know what day this is so it can't be a good thing..." Abbey began, but C.J. stopped her.

"What do you mean what day this is?" C.J. asked slowly.

"Last year on this date..." President Bartlet tried and then I realized what they were trying to say.

"We were both shot." I finished softly.

"I hadn't even thought about that." C.J. mumbled quietly.

"Neither had I." I replied quietly.

"I'm sure they have your fierce will to live." C.J. commented reassuringly.

"But I thought..." President Bartlet began because he knew that they were supposed to be Robbie's.

"She was only six months pregnant." I replied as a nurse came in.

"Mr. Lyman, you can see your children now." She said gently.

"Would you like me to go with you?" Abbey asked.

"Yes please." I replied like a little kid.

"Josh have you figured out what to name them? I have to get everyone up to speed." C.J. asked and was given a killer look by the president and Abbey both.

"It's okay." I assured the two of them. "Noah James, Nathaniel Jared, and Julia Nicole."

"C.J. why don't you wait until Abbey comes back at least and you can explain the situation better." President Bartlet asked slowly.

"I will, I just figured that I should get Toby and Sam back here." She replied softly, without meeting my eyes.

"Yes, please tell them for me, and Leo too." I replied and then I went with Abbey to the nursery.

We got to the nursery and the nurse explained all the special precautions that we had to take. We put the special gowns and masks on and then were escorted to three incubators that were side by side. The babies' inside of them looked like they could fit in the palm of my hand. Machines hissed and moaned all around them. It didn't look natural to me.

After a nurse told me the order that they were born in, I told her the names and she placed them on the incubators, They also gave me three bracelets that were identical to the ones my children were wearing. The only difference was that theirs looked like they could wear them around their waist.

While I was looking at my children Abbey was getting a better handle on their condition. My knee was starting to hurt from all of the pressure I was putting on it, so I decided it was best that I went to see Donna. I also couldn't stand to see my kids in pain any longer. Abbey noticed this and she helped to get me out of there.

"They're holding their own." Abbey whispered gently once we got out of the nursery.

"They just look so frail and so lifeless." I replied.

"Josh I know that this is hard on you, but you have to try and be positive." Abbey encouraged.

"My whole life is in this hospital. Donna is in a coma and they aren't sure if she'll ever wake up. And my sweet little children were born too early..." I said as a tear streaked down my cheek.

"Whatever happens just remember that we are all here to help you." She said as she gave me a hug.

"I know. I think I'm going to go see Donna now." I replied once I pulled away from her.

I walked back to Donna's room and it felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. When this day began I couldn't have even imagined this happening. All I had to do was live the area and my world fell apart. I know it wasn't my fault, but I was still scared that maybe I had missed some sign. Maybe I should've seen this coming and then I would've never left. I would've been there when Donna collapsed.

"Donna, sweetheart I am so sorry that I wasn't there this morning." I said as I entered her room and I took her still hand.

I looked at her face and saw she was sleeping peacefully. She looked like an angel. I stroked her cheek with my other hand. Her skin was still soft, but it was even paler than it normally was. I longed to see her open her pretty blue eyes, but I knew she wouldn't yet.

"We have two little boys and a little girl. I named them off of that sheet C.J. found in my office. I hope that's okay. Noah, Nathaniel, and Julia are all holding their own I guess. They are just really tiny. But they are beautiful. You should see how beautiful they are. I guess that means they take after you huh?" I joked.

I sat by her side for awhile just holding her hand and talking to her. I told her everything that I figured she might like to know. But most of all I told her that I loved her and that I needed her in my life. I told her that our children needed their mom. I even tried to give her a mental picture of what it would be like for me to be a single father. And still I got no response.

Baby 'cause you know

That you're everything

Good in my life

And tell me now

"Josh, do you want me to sit with her awhile so you can go back to the nursery?" C.J. asked once she came in.

"Would you?" I replied slowly.

"Yeah. Sam's here now if you need to talk to him." C.J. commented softly.

"Is everyone else here too?" I asked as I got up from my spot beside Donna's bed.

"Yeah, they are all in the waiting room." C.J. replied.

"Did you give a press briefing?" I asked slowly.

"Yes, I told them all about what happened today." C.J. replied gently.

"I guess today is just a bad day for me." I stated slowly and she gave me a hug.

"Josh, you survived what happened to you a year ago today. And I know you survived to for a reason. You are meant to be a father to those kids and a husband to Donna. Everything is going to turn out okay." C.J. assured me.

"I hope so." I whispered and I went out to the waiting room.

I didn't go in, but I looked in through a window. Leo, Sam, President Bartlet, Abbey, Zoey, Charlie, and yes, even Toby were waiting anxiously for word. I didn't really want to go in, because I wasn't ready for all the looks of sympathy that they were going to give me. I didn't want to hear their assurances that everything was going to be okay. Because I knew that they weren't ever going to be okay again, at least not in the way that they were going to promise.

"Hey Josh." Sam said as he came out to see me.

"Hi." I replied in a tired voice.

"Didn't want to come in huh? I guess I can't blame you. I know they all want to pounce on you." Sam stated with a tiny smile.

"Do you want to go and see them with me?" I asked slowly.

"I would love to see them, I mean if you're ready for me too." Sam commented softly.

"Yeah, I'm not ready to go alone yet." I replied and he patted me on the shoulder.

"I understand. How's your knee by the way?" Sam asked as we started down the hallway.

"Hurts like hell. I think it's probably swollen but I don't really care about it right now." I stated in an irritated voice.

"I didn't mean..." Sam apologized.

"I know, I'm sorry. C.J. has already grilled me about it. It'll be fine in a little while." I said softly.

"Toby..." Sam tried but I stopped him.

"Please Sam, don't even talk about him." I said as we reached the nursery.

"Okay." Sam replied as he followed me in.


	7. How Do I Live? 7

 

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

How do I live

By Mer

Part 7

I spent the rest of the night alternating from visiting the nursery and Donna's room. Everyone else went home after a while. Sam and C.J. stayed for a bit, but they finally left around eleven, I think. I wanted so much to hold my precious children or my precious wife for that matter, but I knew I couldn't.

Around one or so Nathaniel began to take a turn for the worst. The doctors had all warned me that something like that might happen. I hadn't wanted to believe them, but I was faced with that ordeal anyway. It pained me deeply to see my tiny son struggling to breath. I wanted nothing more than I breath for him.

I sat in front of his incubator for the rest of the night. I wasn't allowed to touch him unless I wore this silly rubber gloves that were attached to the side of the incubator. The nurse assured me that even a touch with a rubber glove could make the difference. So I tenderly stroked his little cheek and his little arm.

How do I live without you

How do I breathe without you

I began to tell him all the things that I thought he should know. Like that we both loved him and that his mother would be there if she could. I told him about what his name could've been and that he was probably better off that I had named him after something his mother picked out.

I spent some time with my other two children too, but I wasn't quite as worried about them. They were holding their own, whatever that meant, and their brother wasn't. I begged them not to get upset with me. I know pathetic huh, begging babies not to get angry.

I never wanted to be a father more than I had as I sat there begging this little baby to hang on just a little bit longer. I couldn't bare the thought of losing him or either of his siblings, or even his mother for that matter. But despite my best efforts to keep him alive, Nathaniel quietly slipped away at four-thirty one in the morning.

They unhooked him from all the tubes and machines and a nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him. I looked at her for a moment like she had just grown a second head, and then I understood what she meant. She figured that I would want to say good-bye to him. I nodded and she wrapped him in blanket before handing him gently over to me.

I kissed the top of his head. It amazed me that he was still so warm. I held him like I had been instructed to hold a baby, in one of these baby classes that Donna and I had started to take. Funny, how much I had learned in that one class, and I was using it now, even though it didn't make much difference.

"Nathaniel, I just want you to know that your mother and I both loved you with all of our hearts. No, I take that back, we still love you. And we will always remember that you were our son, we will always remember that we lost you." I began quietly.

I rocked back in the rocking chair a little. I could feel myself on the verge of tears. I didn't know how much more of this I would be able to take. But I didn't want to let go of him just yet. I had to make my one time of holding him last forever.

"I don't want you to be scared now. I know that you are in a better place. I'm sure that my sister, and my father have already welcomed you with open arms. I'm gonna miss you little guy. I'm really going to miss you." I said as the tears began to slowly flow down my cheeks.

After they took Nathaniel away from me I left the nursery. I couldn't bear to look at Nathaniel's empty incubator. I wasn't sure that I was ready for triplets but I definitely was sure that I wasn't ready to bury one. I couldn't even imagine the words that I was going to have to say to Donna. How could I tell her that we already lost one of our precious angels?

I limped my way to the hospital chapel. I looked down at my watch and realized that this time last year, I was still in surgery and my friends were all extremely worried about me. But I had survived, I had survived but why had my little son not?

I was filled with anger and hopelessness as I slumped down on one of the pews. I wanted to scream and curse God up and down. I wanted to make him pay for doing this to us, for taking away such a young life. My son wasn't even alive for five hours.

I could feel my emotions starting to well up to the surface. And I could hear the therapist I went and visited after my PTSD diagnosis telling me that I shouldn't let things like that manifest inside of me anymore. I released the uncontrollable sobs and I felt someone's arms enveloping me. I thought about pulling away to see who it was, but I wasn't ready to find out yet.

I sobbed and cursed for what seemed like a long time, but I knew it wasn't really all that long. As I felt myself gain my composure, I realized I was ready to see who had been so willing to put up with me. And who had been saying soothing words that I couldn't quite hear, but could tell that they were soothing by the sound of the voice.

"Thank you." I said as I pulled away and looked right into the eyes of Mrs. Landingham.

I could tell by her small chuckle that my face had suddenly gone from one of sadness to horror. I had just cried on Mrs. Landingham's shoulder. Mrs. Landingham as in the President's secretary Mrs. Landingham. What the hell was she doing at the hospital at, damn can't see what time it is because of my crappy watch.

"I have been worried since I saw Donna being taken away by stretcher." She said softly, breaking the silence.

"How do you know I was here?" I managed to croak out.

"I went to Donna's room and they told me to check the nursery." She said, and her voice got softer with every word.

"You know about Nathaniel then, huh?" I asked, though we both knew I already knew the answer.

"Yes, I saw you through the window." She admitted softly, and my gaze went to the picture I was holding in my hand.

"This is the only picture we will ever have of him." I said slowly, and I showed her the picture.

The picture was the standard issue after birth picture. They had taken it just before they surrounded him with tubes and machines. I guess they knew that incase he died that we needed to remember him as our baby, and not someone surrounded by tubes and machines. She took the picture from my hand, studied it and then gently handed it back to me.

"He was beautiful." She concluded after studying the picture.

How do I live without you

How do I breathe without you

I just simply nodded at her assessment. I still was surprised that she was here. I mean I knew that she was concerned; she's known Donna and me as long as we've worked for the campaign. It's just that I never really felt that close to her. Sure she gives me cookies no and then, it's just that I've never really thought of her as someone other than President Bartlet's secretary.

"I came because I thought you might need someone who knows a little something about loss." She whispered softly.

That's right, her twin sons were killed in Vietnam. She would know a little about what I'm going through. I nod to show her that I heard her, but I still don't know how to respond. My mind is already swimming with anger and grief and worry over things that I couldn't control. I can't possibly hold too intelligent of a conversation right now.

"He's safe now." She whispered gently.

My hand instinctively goes to my side after she said that. I knew exactly what she meant. She meant that no one could ever harm him in the way that I was harmed a year ago. He will never have to face such evilness.

"It doesn't make it any easier." I replied slowly.

"I know. I know that you are hurting now. You are mourning the life that never got a chance to begin. Believe me you are thinking normally. But it will get easier to handle. And as much as it will hurt you to admit it, you know that it will get better with time." She stated softly.

"How do I tell her that she never got to see her son? That she never got to hold him? That she never got to say good-bye to him?" I asked.

"You will find a way. She will understand because she will know that you were there to hold him and tell him that the both of you loved him. She will be glad that you got to be there with him when he slipped away. I never got that chance Josh. I never got that chance." She repeated slowly.

And I knew in that moment why she had come. She had come to help me say good-bye. To help me deal with saying good-bye actually, which was something that she had been robbed the chance of. Even after all of these years, she still needed to make a final peace with her sons. And I knew it was my turn to let someone cry on my shoulder.

I opened my arms up and she resisted at first, but relaxed when she realized what I was trying to do. So I sat there and held her for a while, because I knew it was the right thing to do. She pulled away after a few minutes and she urged me to go and see Donna. I knew better than to argue with her and I limped to Donna's room as she snuck out of the hospital.

I got to Donna's room and I found that there had been no change in her condition. She was still in a coma. I sat down in a chair next to her bed. She looked ghastly pale in my opinion, but I wasn't sure what that meant.

I glanced at one of the machines she was hooked up to, and I recognized the one that monitored her heart. I watched it for a moment, as I saw the lines going up and down. I knew from my own experience a year ago, that at least her heart was beating fine. It was mine that felt like it was going to shatter into a million tiny pieces.

"Donna, there is so much that I have to tell you." I whispered softly as I picked up her hand.

Her hand felt colder than it had last night. I wasn't sure what that meant, but it scared me. I rubbed it a little to try and warm it up, but it was to no avail. I stopped after a little while and I just held her hand in mine. There were so many things that I needed to tell her. So many things that I knew would consume me if she didn't hear them.

"Sweetie, we lost one of them." I said softly, as my voice seemed to float about the room.

Donna's lack of response was almost heartbreaking to me, even though I knew that she wasn't going to respond. I guess I just felt bad for knowing something that she didn't. I thought of it was like this huge secret that could come between us later or something.

If you ever go

How do I ever

Ever survive


	8. How Do I Live? 8

 

Disclaimer: I don't own most of these characters but I wish I could.

How do I live

By Mer

Part 8

I sat by Donna's bedside for at least an hour or so. I know I was talking to her but after awhile I lost track of what I was saying. I was still reeling with grief over Nathaniel's death. Part of me knew that I always would be. I doubted that losing a child is really something that you forget about over time.

"Sweetheart what are we going to do?" I asked softly.

I checked my watch and it read a few minutes after six. On the plane ride back I had tried to reset it, so I wasn't totally sure if it was right or not. But with my track record it was probably wrong.

How do I  
How do I  
How do I live

I was starting to feel very stiff so I got up to stretch. I knew that I couldn't very well sit in the chair much longer. I kissed Donna on the forehead and I left the room.

"Josh, I just heard." C.J. softly said as she saw me exit Donna's room.

"I meant to..." I began as C.J. gave me a hug.

"Don't worry about it, you needed time." C.J. whispered.

"How did you find out?" I asked quietly.

"I got a call from Mrs. Bartlet. Don't ask me how she found out, but I know she called me and I'm pretty sure she called Sam." C.J. stated slowly.

"Thanks for coming." I said softly, which only caused her to hug me tighter.

My stomach had started to growl a little. I had realized that I hadn't had anything to eat in a long time. Donna and I had managed to sleep in late the day before so I missed breakfast and then with the conference and Donna, it had been a while. Not that I had much of an appetite but I knew better than to make myself sick.

"Want to get some breakfast?" I asked as I pulled away.

"Yeah." C.J. replied as she heard my stomach.

We went down to the cafeteria and I had forgotten that we had both been sitting down there when a nurse came and told us that the babies had to be delivered. I shook that memory out of my head. C.J. noticed and she patted me on the shoulder.

How do I live without you  
I want to know  
How do I breath without you

"Josh after I left last night, I had an eye opening conversation with Toby." C.J. began after we both sat down with trays of food.

"I don't want to talk about him." I said as I shoved a fork full of eggs in my mouth.

"Josh, he feels..." C.J. began but I stopped her nearly choking on the eggs I was swallowing.

"Why should I give a damn about what Toby feels? He said that I was stupid for wanting to love Donna's babies. He said that I shouldn't want to be their father. Toby can feel bad all he wants, he didn't just lose his son. He didn't just spend the night watching as one of his children struggled to breath. He's not the one that has to tell Donna that little Nathaniel didn't make it. I don't give a damn about how he feels. Toby could die for all I care." I screamed as I threw my fork down on the table.

The fork made a loud echo across the nearly vacant room. I suddenly wasn't very hungry anymore. So what if Toby felt bad for what he had said? The only reason he was feeling bad about it was because he had found out that they really were my children. To me that wasn't a good enough reason.

C.J. sat there staring at me with these huge eyes and with a horrified expression on her face. I knew exactly what she was thinking. My outburst was eerily similar to the ones I began having right before Christmas. Damn PTSD, sometimes it made normal arguments turn in to all out screaming wars.

I hung my head in shame. As I looked down I realized that I was shaking. I knew that I needed to apologize for what I had said, but I wasn't really sorry. That was the scary part, knowing that I could be capable of being so cruel and not really caring enough to take it back. But the difference between Christmas and now, was that I knew exactly what I had said, unlike before when I had no idea what I was saying.

"C.J." I finally managed to say in a shaky voice.

"Yes?" C.J. asked cautiously still not sure which Josh was doing the talking, the cruel one or the normal one.

"I shouldn't have gone off like that." I stated slowly.

"No, you probably shouldn't have." She stated quietly, realizing that I wasn't exactly taking back what I said.

"I don't mean to be so angry with him. He just said a lot of things that hurt me at the time, and that hurt has only gotten worse as yesterday went on." I said as I continued to look down at my shaking hands.

"Josh, I know that you are upset and you have every right to be. If it makes you feel any better I'm mad at him too. Josh, I don't know why he said what he said, I'm just saying that he regrets saying it." C.J. tried to explain.

"Yeah." I replied, realizing that fighting with Toby's girlfriend was a losing battle.

"I think it's because he badly wants to be a father. We thought I was pregnant..." C.J.'s voice trembled.

"I understand. I'm sorry." I said looking her in the eye.

"God, you must think I'm a total bitch. Here you are having just lost a child and I'm complaining because my boyfriend got into a fight with you and I'm not pregnant yet." C.J. berated herself.

"I don't think you are a bitch." I quietly assured her.

"There you two are. I've been looking all over for you." Sam exclaimed as he suddenly appeared at our table.

"Sorry, Josh was hungry." C.J. replied.

"I see." Sam said as he sat down next to me, but not before he stole a piece of bacon off my plate.

"Help yourself there, Sam." I teased.

"I had just forgotten how crappy hospital food could be. I needed a reminder." Sam shrugged.

"Sam, do you realize how much of an idiot you sound like?" C.J. asked as she rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, but that's why you both love me." Sam said as he flashed us a huge grin.

"I thought that Josh was the only ego that we had to deal with." C.J. muttered.

"Hey." Sam and I replied at the same time.

"Relax boys, Mommy was only kidding." C.J. replied.

I picked at my food as Sam and C.J. basically took over the conversation. I didn't really say much and they pretended not to notice. I did however show them the picture of Nathaniel. Sam had seen him in person but C.J. hadn't. They both expressed their sympathies to which I could only nod.

After I was through with my breakfast the three of us headed back up to the nursery. C.J. asked if she could come in this time. I told her she could. I offered Sam the chance as well, but he apologized and said he had to get back to work. I totally understood.

"But if you need me for anything, you won't hesitate to call me will you?" Sam asked.

"I'll call you if I need you." I assured him.

"Or if there is any change?" Sam asked.

"Yes, I'll even call you then too." I replied.

Sam walked away and C.J. and I went and visited my two remaining children. The space where Nathaniel had been, was now filled by that of another baby. At least I didn't have to see an empty incubator.

C.J. marveled about how cute my daughter Julia was. A nurse came over and told us that Julia had been steadily improving. She told us that was a very good sign considering how small Julia was. My little daughter was a fighter and that made me feel good.

Noah, I was told had been improving also but not quite at the rate that Julia seemed to be. The nurse assured us that was normal. I longed to hold both of them, but I knew I couldn't just yet. All I could do was touch them with the funny gloves.

We left the nursery after a while and C.J. said that she had to get back to work as well. I knew that she had to give a press briefing, it was her job afterall.

"Josh what do you want me to say?" C.J. asked gently.

"I don't know. Say whatever you think is best." I replied looking back through the nursery window.

"I'm sorry that you have to go through this." C.J. soothed.

"Yeah, I know." I replied without turning to look at her.

"Do you need me to stay? I can get someone else to cover the briefing." C.J. offered.

"No, it's okay. I'm just going to visit Donna for a little while." I replied. 

"I'll have someone run you over some clothes." C.J. stated.

"My suitcase should've been taken back to my office." I stated absently.

"Okay." C.J. replied and then she left.

I limped back to Donna's room. I sat back down on the hard chair, and I picked her limp hand back up. A single tear fell down my cheek, but I didn't even bother to wipe it away. I hated what was happening to my family. I felt like there was something else I should be doing.

"Donnatella, what can I do to keep you here with me?" I whispered.

Suddenly, I felt a weak squeeze on my hand. I looked up and I saw Donna staring back at me. I smiled my first real smile since yesterday morning. More tears fell down my cheeks, but they were the happy kind. Donna couldn't speak, but she rubbed her hand against mine. And I knew that we were going to get through this together.

How do I   
How do I  
Oh how do I live

The end


End file.
